24 7 / 2014


A swimming pool in the shape of a cat at the Fontainebleau Hotel, Miami, c. 1955. Photographed by Slim Aarons 

A swimming pool in the shape of a cat at the Fontainebleau Hotel, Miami, c. 1955. Photographed by Slim Aarons 

(Source: vintagegal, via dapuritoyo)

24 7 / 2014

note-a-bear:

YES
DWAYNE

(Source: youtube.com, via thelefthandedwife)

24 7 / 2014

10followedfelagund:

therobotmonster:

moniquill:

siderealsandman:

friendlytroll:

astrakiseki:

prokopetz:

mikhailvladimirovich:

bogleech:

It’s funny how science fiction universes so often treat humans as a boring, default everyman species or even the weakest and dumbest.

I want to see a sci fi universe where we’re actually considered one of the more hideous and terrifying species.

How do we know our saliva and skin oils wouldn’t be ultra-corrosive to most other sapient races? What if we actually have the strongest vocal chords and can paralyze or kill the inhabitants of other worlds just by screaming at them? What if most sentient life in the universe turns out to be vegetable-like and lives in fear of us rare “animal” races who can move so quickly and chew shit up with our teeth?

Like that old story “they’re made of meat,” only we’re scarier.

HOLY SHIT THEY EAT CAPSAICIN FOR FUN

YOU GUYS I HEARD A HUMAN ONCE ATE AN AIRPLANE.

A HUMAN CAN KEEP FIGHTING FOR HOURS EVEN AFTER YOU SHOOT IT

humans are a proud warrior race with a pantheon of bloody gods: Ram-Bo, Schwarzenegger, etc.

REMOVING A LIMB WILL NOT FATALLY INCAPACITATE HUMANS: ALWAYS DESTROY THE HEAD.

WARNING: HUMANS CAN DETECT YOU EVEN AT NIGHT BY TRACKING VIBRATIONS THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE

WARNING: HUMANS CAN REPRODUCE AT A RATE OF 1 PER SPACEYEAR. DESTROY INFESTATIONS IMMEDIATELY

THE HUMAN MOUTH HAS OVER THIRTY OUTCROPS OF BONE AND POWERFUL JAW MUSCLES.

HUMAN BITES CAN BE FATALLY INFECTIOUS EVEN TO OTHER HUMANS

WARNING: HUMANS CAN AND WILL USE IMPROVISED WEAPONS. SEE CLASSIFIED DATA LABELED J. CHAN.

HUMANS CAN PROJECT BIOWEAPONS FROM ALMOST EVERY ORIFICE ON THEIR BODY. DO NOT INHALE

OH GOD THE HUMANS FIGURED OUT DOOR HANDLES OH GOD OH GOD

More seriously, humans do have a number of advantages even among Terrestrial life. Our endurance, shock resistance, and ability to recover from injury is absurdly high compared to almost any other animal. We often use the phrase “healthy as a horse” to connote heartiness - but compared to a human, a horse is as fragile as spun glass. There’s mounting evidence that our primitive ancestors would hunt large prey simply by following it at a walking pace, without sleep or rest, until it died of exhaustion; it’s called pursuit predation. Basically, we’re the Terminator.

(The only other animal that can sort of keep up with us? Dogs. That’s why we use them for hunting. And even then, it’s only “sort of”.)

Now extrapolate that to a galaxy in which most sapient life did not evolve from hyper-specialised pursuit predators:

  • Our strength and speed is nothing to write home about, but we don’t need to overpower or outrun you. We just need to outlast you - and by any other species’ standards, we just plain don’t get tired.
  • Where a simple broken leg will cause most species to go into shock and die, we can recover from virtually any injury that’s not immediately fatal. Even traumatic dismemberment isn’t necessarily a career-ending injury for a human.
  • We heal from injuries with extreme rapidity, recovering in weeks from wounds that would take others months or years to heal. The results aren’t pretty - humans have hyperactive scar tissue, among our other survival-oriented traits - but they’re highly functional.
  • Speaking of scarring, look at our medical science. We developed surgery centuries before developing even the most rudimentary anesthetics or life support. In extermis, humans have been known to perform surgery on themselves - and survive. Thanks to our extreme heartiness, we regard as routine medical procedures what most other species would regard as inventive forms of murder. We even perform radical surgery on ourselves for purely cosmetic reasons.

In essence, we’d be Space Orcs.

I do hope you realize I’m going to be picking up this stuff and running with it right? 

Our jaws have too many TEETH in them, so we developed a way to WELD METAL TO OUR TEETH and FORCE THE BONES IN OUR JAW to restructure over the course of years to fit them back into shape, and then we continue to wear metal in out mouths to keep them in place. 

We formed cohabitative relationships with tiny mammals and insects we keep at bay from bothering us by death, often using little analouge traps. 

And by god, we will eat anything. 

  • We use borderline toxic peppers to season our food. 
  • We expose ourselves to potentially lethal solar radiation in the pursuit of darkening our skin. 
  • We risk hearing loss for the opportunity to see our favorite musicians live. 
  • We have a game where two people get into an enclosed area and hit each other until time runs out/one of them pass out
  • We willingly jump out of planes with only a flimsy piece of cloth to prevent us from splattering against the ground. 
  • Our response to natural disasters is to just rebuild our buildings in the exact same places. 
  • We climb mountains and risk freezing to death for bragging rights
  • We invented dogs. We took our one time predators and completely domesticated them. 
  • On a planet full of lions, tigers and bears, we managed to advance further and faster than any other species on the planet. 

Klingons and Krogan and Orcs ain’t got shit on us

We drink ethanol (in concentrations high enough to be used as an effective as microbicide or a solvent!) for the express purpose of achieving blood toxicity and disrupting normal brain function… AS A RECREATIONAL ACTIVITY!

On the same subject, we also deliberately incinerate assorted substances and then inhale the particulate-heavy smoke and vapor resulting for the same effect. EVEN IN THE FACE OF SAID SUBSTANCES BEING CARCINOGENIC, BECAUSE WE JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

Humans do not have biological castes. Kill their commander and another will take its place. Soldiers left alone on a planet will start farming and manufacturing to survive. Farmers and manufacturers will take up arms and kill you if pressed. Just because two humans look different doesn’t mean they cannot do each other’s jobs.

Breeding does not kill them. A single human can mate dozens or hundreds of times in a lifetime. They often do so as recreation. Xenobiology team six believes they do not have a mating season but this is too strange to be true.

Their appendages are not designed for hitting, so they developed special training to make them very good at hitting anyhow. 

The proteins making up their bodies are toxic and cause prion disease. Do not touch anything humans have touched. Do not consume earth foods. Fire does not adequately remove this contamination.

Humans perceive sixteen times the colors we do. Do not hide in bushes or vines from humans. They can distinguish your pelt from the foliage with ease.

We tried venting waste gas into the tunnels to kill the humans when they attacked. Turns out they breathe it. 

Everything on their planet came from a single biological strain. They developed comprehensive genetics BEFORE they developed space travel. 

They lack radio receptors and cannot be brought into compliance with right-thought simply by broadcasting to them. Even after we learned how to translate it into sound-waves one of their hatchlings drove the Great Authority mad by responding to every demand with a single question: “Why?” 

1) Humans can eat plants and other animals. (And even fungi.) On colonized planets, they have often been able to consume native organisms.

2) They often prepare these food-substances by exposing them to open flame. A typical human habitation will intentionally contain sources of fire.

3) The human species has biological variations known as ‘sexes’. These ‘sexes’ allow the species to create new variations of DNA with the creation of every new individual. As a result, the human species evolves at an incredible speed.

4) Human larvae are contained within the bodies of one of their parent individuals until they are able to breathe the atmosphere on their own. These parent individuals are often well-defended, and are dangerously capable of self-defense. Therefore, when attempting to counter a human infestation, be aware that there will be no human eggs or nesting-places to target.

5) Individuals capable of developing larvae in their bodies will experience severe bleeding, up to 13 times per space-year, as part of their biological preparation for this act. This does not appear to seriously harm them.

6) Humans do not experience hibernation. Instead, they undergo brief periods of unconsciousness as part of their daily cycle. Although individuals have a tendency to synchronize these periods, in most habitations there will be fully-aware humans at all parts of the daily and seasonal cycles.

7) In addition, unconscious individuals can become aware and ready to counter-attack in a matter of seconds, when alerted by sound, light, or vibration. If they are under stress, humans may forgo their periods of daily unconsciousness for up to 48 hours. The use of chemical stimulants is often voluntarily used for this practice.

8) Human populations can expand at a rate of up to 250% per generation, even without influx from immigrant populations. Large habitations can be comprised of up to 10 million individuals. 

9) Humans can exist in a wide variety of environments, including a wide range of atmospheric pressures, humidities, gravities, and temperatures (sub-freezing temperatures do not discourage habitation). They are also highly adaptable to environmental changes.

10) Nonetheless, human societal practices are so destructive that they caused their own planet to be largely uninhabitable to them.

11) A human infestation will inevitably cause environmental damage to a planet, first rendering it uninhabitable to its native species, and then to the humans themselves.

12) When this process is complete, they will seek out new worlds to colonize.

13) THEY ARE COMING.

(via thelefthandedwife)

24 7 / 2014

erikawithac:

georgeslays:

Will and Kate are honestly the cutest

will reminds me so, so much of neville longbottom

(via thelefthandedwife)

24 7 / 2014

misscrawfords:

itmeansapricot:


How I Became An Accidental Virgin
"At what age does being a virgin go from being a positive or neutral thing to a liability?"

Ashley, you need to find the answer and tell me.

Someone said it. There are other people like me in the world.

Definitely feel like it’s a liability.  People just assume that you’ve done it and you’re too embarrassed to correct them.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

misscrawfords:

itmeansapricot:

How I Became An Accidental Virgin

"At what age does being a virgin go from being a positive or neutral thing to a liability?"

Ashley, you need to find the answer and tell me.

Someone said it. There are other people like me in the world.

Definitely feel like it’s a liability. People just assume that you’ve done it and you’re too embarrassed to correct them. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

(Source: offbeatorbit)

23 7 / 2014

(via blodwymm)

23 7 / 2014

(Source: derpycats, via zohbugg)

22 7 / 2014

harrypotterconfessions:

Ginny Potter
The stadium is full and the noise is deafening. We await the arrival of both team’s mascots, who will put on a pre-match show. The Bulgarians, of course, bring their celebrated dancing troupe of Veelas, which constitutes a major reason for the team’s popularity, at least with men. Brazil’s Curupiras have already caused a great deal of mischief so far this tournament but are similarly popular, mostly with children. Security wizards stand by all around the perimeter in case of trouble.While we wait for the opening performance, let’s remind ourselves what these teams look like and compare some key statistics.
Rita Skeeter
The VIP boxes are now full. Chairman of the ICWQC, Mentor Metaxas, chats to the President of the Argentinian Council of Magic, Valentina Vázquez, but all eyes are on Box Two, where Dumbledore’s Army sit under close guard, to prevent mobbing by an overexcited crowd. The Potter family – minus Mother, Ginny Potter, who of course is here in the journalists’ enclosure with me – have been given prime places in the front row. All are wearing the red of Bulgaria except middle child Albus, who is sporting Brazilian green. This will undoubtedly send the gossips into overdrive – what message is young Albus sending us all by choosing to support a team other than his father’s? A team, lest we forget, that is competing against his father’s ex-rival, now friend, Viktor Krum. Are we witnessing a very public, very ugly display of father-son rivalry? My colleague, Ginny Potter, who is sitting close enough to read everything my Quick-Quotes Quill is scribbling, informs me that Albus is a great fan of Brazilian Chaser Gonçalo Flores. That, of course, would be one possible explanation for this oddly public parade of familial dissent.
Ginny Potter
The crowd roar as the gates open and the mascot troupes assemble! First, the Bulgarian Veela, dressed in diaphanous gowns and dancing to the haunting strains of harp music. Several men’s jaws have dropped here in the journalists’ enclosure and, judging by the number of dropped notebooks, many also appear to have lost sensation in their fingers.
Rita Skeeter
Up in VIP Box Two, Ronald Weasley appears to have become catatonic. Did I just see wife Hermione Granger administer a sharp elbow to the ribs?
Ginny Potter
And here come the Curupiras with their bright red hair and back-to-front feet. Tumbling, performing acrobatics, stealing hats from fans and generally creating mayhem, the stadium is greatly enjoying their antics.
Rita Skeeter
It is always enchanting to observe young people enjoying the culture of other wizarding nations. Unfortunately, Master Teddy Lupin and Ms Victoire Weasley appear to be far more interested in what they are saying to each other than – I take that back. In what some may see as a somewhat belated show of parental authority, Mr Bill Weasley has swapped places with his now very sulky-looking daughter and is directing her attention to the pitch. It is indeed a terrible waste not to drink in the magnificent spectacle now unfolding before us, with the colours and dancing and whatnot.
Ginny Potter
The opening ceremony concludes with an interesting Veela/Curupira pyramid formation. If several back to front feet found themselves in the Veela’s eyes, the latter have resisted the temptation to transform into the terrifying Harpy-like form that gave many children – myself included – nightmares after their 1994 display.
And here come the two teams – Brazil in green, Bulgaria in red!
Rita Skeeter
Almost all of the Weasley family are supporting Brazil. Certainly nobody can have expected Ronald to cheer on his wife’s ex-boyfriend. Both his children – Rose, who appears to have inherited her father’s unfortunate hair, and Hugo, who has his mother’s bushy locks – are decked out in green, but Hermione Granger is not wearing anything to indicate which team she is supporting. Does she secretly hope to see Krum take the trophy at last? Or is this the kind of diplomatic neutrality one might expect of a ruthless careerist whose long-term ambition is undoubtedly to be Minister for Magic?
Ginny Potter
00.00 hrs
And they’re off! Fourteen players rise into the air for the 427th Quidditch World Cup final!
Rita Skeeter
00.01 hrs
Neville Longbottom is already on his feet cheering, even though nothing has really happened yet. Is he drunk?
Ginny Potter
00.05 hrs
The Quaffle is in Brazil’s possession but slick defence from Draganov and Vulchanov has so far prevented them from scoring. Flores, Diaz and Alonso are relentless, ducking and weaving as they try to find a way past the Bulgarian Beaters.
Rita Skeeter
00.18 hrs
Luna Lovegood appears to be passing out some kind of snack to her friends in the VIP box. Some might hesitate to accept baked goods from Lovegood, whose schoolgirl nickname, I am reliably informed, was ‘Loony’.
Ginny Potter
00.32 hrs
An excellent intercept by Bulgarian Chaser Levski and Bulgaria are streaking towards the goal – thrown to Vassileva – ouch! Even the Brazilians groaned in sympathy there as a Bludger hit Vassileva hard in the throat. She drops the Quaffle, which is caught by Flores. Brazil are back in possession!
Rita Skeeter
00.33 hrs
Neville Longbottom is laughing hard at something that Harry Potter has leaned across and whispered to him. What is so amusing? Why such an open display of humour in full view of the public? Surely Potter is aware that everybody in the stadium can see him? Is it not rather elitist to enjoy ‘private’ jokes with fellow celebrities when people in the cheap seats cannot hear them?
Ginny Potter
00.37 hrs
And it’s first blood to Brazil with a spectacular goal from Flores!
Rita Skeeter
00.38 hrs
Albus Potter has almost toppled out of the VIP box cheering his Quidditch hero. His uncle Ronald seized the back of his robes and saved him from what would surely have been a death of international significance, spawning news stories across the wizarding world. Brother James is laughing heartily (did he push his brother?). Harry Potter appears completely unconcerned, merely handing his second son one of ‘Loony’ Lovegood’s treats.
Ginny Potter
00.42 hrs
Draganov and Vulchanov are successfully disrupting the Brazilian Chasers, preventing the formidable trio from scoring a second goal, but Bulgaria is relying far too much on their defence and their last touch of the Quaffle resulted in a drop and fumble by Grozda. No sign of the Snitch so far.
Rita Skeeter
00.54 hrs
Harry Potter is cheering every well-hit Bulgarian Bludger, whereas his supposed best friend Ronald Weasley appears to be gnashing his teeth in chagrin. Hermione Granger is yawning. Whether she intends to convey boredom, or is merely exhausted after Dumbledore’s Army’s long night of noisy revelry in the VIP section of the campsite, her Argentinian hosts can only be offended by such blatant rudeness.
Ginny Potter
00.59 hrs
Bogomil Levski breaks through the Brazilian defence and equalises! Ten all!
Rita Skeeter
01.10 hrs
Head of the Department of Magical Transportation Percy Weasley is frowning as he follows the match. Greying and balding, he has aged considerably since the Battle of Hogwarts (where, of course, he became the unfortunate embodiment of the phrase ‘better late than never’). Unkind political opponents may call him a ‘nit-picking bureaucrat’, but others go as far as to say that he is ‘not that bad once you get to know him’.
Ginny Potter
01.23 hrs
A sudden burst of quick-fire Quaffle passes has resulted in a brace of goals for Brazil, whose Chasers are tearing up and down the pitch. Gonçalo Flores has scored twice more and Fernando Diaz once, taking the score to 40-10. Bulgaria are making too many careless mistakes and need to take the offensive. Brazil looking far the stronger team at this point.
Rita Skeeter
01.31 hrs
Charlie Weasley – or ‘The Unmarried Weasley’ as he is often known - is a burly chap carrying several burns due to his work with dragons. Like his sister-in-law Hermione ‘Bored Yawn’ Granger, he is paying little attention to the match, preferring what seems to be a most interesting talk with Rolf Scamander, husband of ‘Loony’ Lovegood. How difficult it has been to marry ‘into’ Dumbledore’s Army we can only speculate. Nobody who witnessed it will ever forget the shock on Scamander’s face when he saw Lovegood’s wedding dress – rainbows, spangles and a tiara of silver unicorn horns, voted ‘Most Hideous Outfit of the Year’ by readers of my regular Daily Prophet column. While Lovegood and Scamander appear to be holding hands in the VIP box, this might well be because Rolf is trying to prevent his wife from putting on one of her famous Special Event Hats.
Ginny Potter
01.43 hrs
THE SNITCH HAS BEEN SIGHTED! With the score standing at 50-20 (following goals one minute apart from Alonso and Vassileva) a flash of gold near the Brazilian hoops leads Silva and Krum into a breakneck chase – Beaters and Chasers scatter – Krum is ahead but narrowly misses a capture – as the Snitch soars upwards, both Seekers appear to be dazzled by the brilliant Argentinian sun – the Snitch has disappeared again.
Rita Skeeter
01.58 hrs
George Weasley, wealthy co-owner of joke shop Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes, has only one ear. This disability did not prevent him from marrying his dead brother’s ex-girlfriend Angelina Johnson, or from fathering two children with her: Fred and Roxanne. They are putting on a show of family togetherness up in the box. However, few will forget the recent rumours that – in spite of the plentiful gold brought in by such inventions as Puking Pastilles – Angelina has grown restless in her marriage and recently left the marital home to – my colleague, Ginny Potter, has just informed me that Angelina left the marital home to care for her sick father. Many will think that a likely story. Meanwhile, Teddy Lupin and Victoire Weasley have taken advantage of their elders’ inattention to find their way back into adjacent seats.
Ginny Potter
02.03 hrs
Moments after Diaz lengthens Brazil’s lead – 60-20 – Beater Santos hits Viktor Krum hard over the head with his bat. The referee is examining Omniocular footage to determine whether a foul has been committed. The game has been paused.
Rita Skeeter
02.04 hrs
A great groan has issued from the crowd, undoubtedly in response to Ronald Weasley flagrantly and openly kissing his wife on the cheek. This piece of disgusting exhibitionism appears to have disgusted spectators – my colleague, Ginny Potter, has just informed me that the crowd groaned because one of the players has sustained an injury.
Ginny Potter
02.21 hrs
No foul! German referee Herman Junker concludes that Rafael Santos did not mean to hit Viktor Krum around the back of the skull with his Beater’s bat. Krum signals that he is fit to continue and play resumes!
Rita Skeeter
02.36 hrs
Cold-hearted Hermione Granger did not notice her ex-boyfriend’s injury immediately, due to the ill-judged public display of affection instigated by her husband, but she swiftly put on a display of concern. The same cannot be said for Neville Longbottom, who appears to be spiritedly describing the precise manner in which Krum sustained his nosebleed for the benefit of his godson, Albus Potter. An oddly callous display from the popular Herbology teacher.
Ginny Potter
02.38 hrs
Mere minutes after play resumes, Krum and Silva are rocketing suddenly upwards – five thousand Omnioculars follow the pair into the dazzling Argentinian sun –
Rita Skeeter
02.39 hrs
Dumbledore’s Army seem agitated and tense. Has one of them grievously offended the others? Have bitter wounds been reopened here, in front of thousands of people, where everybody hoped merely to enjoy a unique sporting occasion? Ought Dumbledore’s Army draw such flagrant attention to themselves when – apparently – something exciting is happening on the pitch? Or are they using this as a cover to air old grievances?
Ginny Potter
02.40 hrs
Krum and Silva are in a breakneck dash for the Snitch, which Silva sighted first – he is four feet ahead of Krum as both rise almost vertically –
Rita Skeeter
02.41 hrs
Everyone is on their feet, including the denizens of the VIP boxes – Harry Potter is shouting – if my lip-reading is accurate, Ronald Weasley is swearing –
Ginny Potter
02.42 hrs
Krum is gaining on Silva but will it be enough…?
Rita Skeeter
02.43 hrs
Teddy Lupin has accidentally punched his girlfriend on the nose as he gesticulates – are we about to witness a breakup, live at the Quidditch World Cup?
Ginny Potter
02.43 hrs
Krum and Silva neck and neck –
Rita Skeeter
02.44 hrs
Teddy Lupin and Victoire Weasley snuggled up together again – don’t they care about Quidditch at all? Should they be taking up valuable space in this stadium, when all eyes ought to be glued on the pitch? When so many poor witches or wizards would simply love to be here?
Ginny Potter
02.45 hrs
KRUM’S GOT THE SNITCH! BULGARIA HAVE WON!
Rita Skeeter
02.45 hrs
I can’t see the VIP boxes – everyone is jumping up and down –
Ginny Potter
The crowds are going crazy – after two and three-quarter hours in the blazing Argentinian sun, Bulgaria has won the Quidditch World Cup and Krum has achieved his life’s ambition on the third attempt – it looks like he might fall off his broom – tears are streaming down his face – a hugely popular win here in the Patagonian Desert – but hearty commiserations to Brazil - they led almost all the way, and in the end, it was Krum the Seeker who defeated them. A stunning display of sportsmanship here, as Silva and Krum embrace –
Rita Skeeter
Ah, that’s better – people are calming down, I can now see the VIP boxes – well, Dumbledore’s Army seems to approve of the victory, Harry Potter in particular seems emotional – with a determined grin on his face, Ronald Weasley conceals his inevitable annoyance that his wife’s ex-love is being feted by the Quidditch world – young Albus is applauding, doubtless at the prompting of his publicity hungry father – my colleague, Ginny Potter, is approaching me, no doubt with another tedious correc
Ginny Potter
Rita Skeeter has been taken unaccountably ill with what some are calling a jinx to the solar plexus. As celebrations continue here in the Patagonian Desert, we at the Daily Prophet sincerely hope that you have enjoyed our World Cup coverage from Argentina. Next week, the National Gobstones League comes to Birmingham! But in all honesty… don’t bother.
[x]

harrypotterconfessions:

Ginny Potter

The stadium is full and the noise is deafening. We await the arrival of both team’s mascots, who will put on a pre-match show. The Bulgarians, of course, bring their celebrated dancing troupe of Veelas, which constitutes a major reason for the team’s popularity, at least with men. Brazil’s Curupiras have already caused a great deal of mischief so far this tournament but are similarly popular, mostly with children. Security wizards stand by all around the perimeter in case of trouble.
While we wait for the opening performance, let’s remind ourselves what these teams look like and compare some key statistics.

Rita Skeeter

The VIP boxes are now full. Chairman of the ICWQC, Mentor Metaxas, chats to the President of the Argentinian Council of Magic, Valentina Vázquez, but all eyes are on Box Two, where Dumbledore’s Army sit under close guard, to prevent mobbing by an overexcited crowd. The Potter family – minus Mother, Ginny Potter, who of course is here in the journalists’ enclosure with me – have been given prime places in the front row. All are wearing the red of Bulgaria except middle child Albus, who is sporting Brazilian green. This will undoubtedly send the gossips into overdrive – what message is young Albus sending us all by choosing to support a team other than his father’s? A team, lest we forget, that is competing against his father’s ex-rival, now friend, Viktor Krum. Are we witnessing a very public, very ugly display of father-son rivalry? My colleague, Ginny Potter, who is sitting close enough to read everything my Quick-Quotes Quill is scribbling, informs me that Albus is a great fan of Brazilian Chaser Gonçalo Flores. That, of course, would be one possible explanation for this oddly public parade of familial dissent.

Ginny Potter

The crowd roar as the gates open and the mascot troupes assemble! First, the Bulgarian Veela, dressed in diaphanous gowns and dancing to the haunting strains of harp music. Several men’s jaws have dropped here in the journalists’ enclosure and, judging by the number of dropped notebooks, many also appear to have lost sensation in their fingers.

Rita Skeeter

Up in VIP Box Two, Ronald Weasley appears to have become catatonic. Did I just see wife Hermione Granger administer a sharp elbow to the ribs?

Ginny Potter

And here come the Curupiras with their bright red hair and back-to-front feet. Tumbling, performing acrobatics, stealing hats from fans and generally creating mayhem, the stadium is greatly enjoying their antics.

Rita Skeeter

It is always enchanting to observe young people enjoying the culture of other wizarding nations. Unfortunately, Master Teddy Lupin and Ms Victoire Weasley appear to be far more interested in what they are saying to each other than – I take that back. In what some may see as a somewhat belated show of parental authority, Mr Bill Weasley has swapped places with his now very sulky-looking daughter and is directing her attention to the pitch. It is indeed a terrible waste not to drink in the magnificent spectacle now unfolding before us, with the colours and dancing and whatnot.

Ginny Potter

The opening ceremony concludes with an interesting Veela/Curupira pyramid formation. If several back to front feet found themselves in the Veela’s eyes, the latter have resisted the temptation to transform into the terrifying Harpy-like form that gave many children – myself included – nightmares after their 1994 display.

And here come the two teams – Brazil in green, Bulgaria in red!

Rita Skeeter

Almost all of the Weasley family are supporting Brazil. Certainly nobody can have expected Ronald to cheer on his wife’s ex-boyfriend. Both his children – Rose, who appears to have inherited her father’s unfortunate hair, and Hugo, who has his mother’s bushy locks – are decked out in green, but Hermione Granger is not wearing anything to indicate which team she is supporting. Does she secretly hope to see Krum take the trophy at last? Or is this the kind of diplomatic neutrality one might expect of a ruthless careerist whose long-term ambition is undoubtedly to be Minister for Magic?

Ginny Potter

00.00 hrs

And they’re off! Fourteen players rise into the air for the 427th Quidditch World Cup final!

Rita Skeeter

00.01 hrs

Neville Longbottom is already on his feet cheering, even though nothing has really happened yet. Is he drunk?

Ginny Potter

00.05 hrs

The Quaffle is in Brazil’s possession but slick defence from Draganov and Vulchanov has so far prevented them from scoring. Flores, Diaz and Alonso are relentless, ducking and weaving as they try to find a way past the Bulgarian Beaters.

Rita Skeeter

00.18 hrs

Luna Lovegood appears to be passing out some kind of snack to her friends in the VIP box. Some might hesitate to accept baked goods from Lovegood, whose schoolgirl nickname, I am reliably informed, was ‘Loony’.

Ginny Potter

00.32 hrs

An excellent intercept by Bulgarian Chaser Levski and Bulgaria are streaking towards the goal – thrown to Vassileva – ouch! Even the Brazilians groaned in sympathy there as a Bludger hit Vassileva hard in the throat. She drops the Quaffle, which is caught by Flores. Brazil are back in possession!

Rita Skeeter

00.33 hrs

Neville Longbottom is laughing hard at something that Harry Potter has leaned across and whispered to him. What is so amusing? Why such an open display of humour in full view of the public? Surely Potter is aware that everybody in the stadium can see him? Is it not rather elitist to enjoy ‘private’ jokes with fellow celebrities when people in the cheap seats cannot hear them?

Ginny Potter

00.37 hrs

And it’s first blood to Brazil with a spectacular goal from Flores!

Rita Skeeter

00.38 hrs

Albus Potter has almost toppled out of the VIP box cheering his Quidditch hero. His uncle Ronald seized the back of his robes and saved him from what would surely have been a death of international significance, spawning news stories across the wizarding world. Brother James is laughing heartily (did he push his brother?). Harry Potter appears completely unconcerned, merely handing his second son one of ‘Loony’ Lovegood’s treats.

Ginny Potter

00.42 hrs

Draganov and Vulchanov are successfully disrupting the Brazilian Chasers, preventing the formidable trio from scoring a second goal, but Bulgaria is relying far too much on their defence and their last touch of the Quaffle resulted in a drop and fumble by Grozda. No sign of the Snitch so far.

Rita Skeeter

00.54 hrs

Harry Potter is cheering every well-hit Bulgarian Bludger, whereas his supposed best friend Ronald Weasley appears to be gnashing his teeth in chagrin. Hermione Granger is yawning. Whether she intends to convey boredom, or is merely exhausted after Dumbledore’s Army’s long night of noisy revelry in the VIP section of the campsite, her Argentinian hosts can only be offended by such blatant rudeness.

Ginny Potter

00.59 hrs

Bogomil Levski breaks through the Brazilian defence and equalises! Ten all!

Rita Skeeter

01.10 hrs

Head of the Department of Magical Transportation Percy Weasley is frowning as he follows the match. Greying and balding, he has aged considerably since the Battle of Hogwarts (where, of course, he became the unfortunate embodiment of the phrase ‘better late than never’). Unkind political opponents may call him a ‘nit-picking bureaucrat’, but others go as far as to say that he is ‘not that bad once you get to know him’.

Ginny Potter

01.23 hrs

A sudden burst of quick-fire Quaffle passes has resulted in a brace of goals for Brazil, whose Chasers are tearing up and down the pitch. Gonçalo Flores has scored twice more and Fernando Diaz once, taking the score to 40-10. Bulgaria are making too many careless mistakes and need to take the offensive. Brazil looking far the stronger team at this point.

Rita Skeeter

01.31 hrs

Charlie Weasley – or ‘The Unmarried Weasley’ as he is often known - is a burly chap carrying several burns due to his work with dragons. Like his sister-in-law Hermione ‘Bored Yawn’ Granger, he is paying little attention to the match, preferring what seems to be a most interesting talk with Rolf Scamander, husband of ‘Loony’ Lovegood. How difficult it has been to marry ‘into’ Dumbledore’s Army we can only speculate. Nobody who witnessed it will ever forget the shock on Scamander’s face when he saw Lovegood’s wedding dress – rainbows, spangles and a tiara of silver unicorn horns, voted ‘Most Hideous Outfit of the Year’ by readers of my regular Daily Prophet column. While Lovegood and Scamander appear to be holding hands in the VIP box, this might well be because Rolf is trying to prevent his wife from putting on one of her famous Special Event Hats.

Ginny Potter

01.43 hrs

THE SNITCH HAS BEEN SIGHTED! With the score standing at 50-20 (following goals one minute apart from Alonso and Vassileva) a flash of gold near the Brazilian hoops leads Silva and Krum into a breakneck chase – Beaters and Chasers scatter – Krum is ahead but narrowly misses a capture – as the Snitch soars upwards, both Seekers appear to be dazzled by the brilliant Argentinian sun – the Snitch has disappeared again.

Rita Skeeter

01.58 hrs

George Weasley, wealthy co-owner of joke shop Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes, has only one ear. This disability did not prevent him from marrying his dead brother’s ex-girlfriend Angelina Johnson, or from fathering two children with her: Fred and Roxanne. They are putting on a show of family togetherness up in the box. However, few will forget the recent rumours that – in spite of the plentiful gold brought in by such inventions as Puking Pastilles – Angelina has grown restless in her marriage and recently left the marital home to – my colleague, Ginny Potter, has just informed me that Angelina left the marital home to care for her sick father. Many will think that a likely story. Meanwhile, Teddy Lupin and Victoire Weasley have taken advantage of their elders’ inattention to find their way back into adjacent seats.

Ginny Potter

02.03 hrs

Moments after Diaz lengthens Brazil’s lead – 60-20 – Beater Santos hits Viktor Krum hard over the head with his bat. The referee is examining Omniocular footage to determine whether a foul has been committed. The game has been paused.

Rita Skeeter

02.04 hrs

A great groan has issued from the crowd, undoubtedly in response to Ronald Weasley flagrantly and openly kissing his wife on the cheek. This piece of disgusting exhibitionism appears to have disgusted spectators – my colleague, Ginny Potter, has just informed me that the crowd groaned because one of the players has sustained an injury.

Ginny Potter

02.21 hrs

No foul! German referee Herman Junker concludes that Rafael Santos did not mean to hit Viktor Krum around the back of the skull with his Beater’s bat. Krum signals that he is fit to continue and play resumes!

Rita Skeeter

02.36 hrs

Cold-hearted Hermione Granger did not notice her ex-boyfriend’s injury immediately, due to the ill-judged public display of affection instigated by her husband, but she swiftly put on a display of concern. The same cannot be said for Neville Longbottom, who appears to be spiritedly describing the precise manner in which Krum sustained his nosebleed for the benefit of his godson, Albus Potter. An oddly callous display from the popular Herbology teacher.

Ginny Potter

02.38 hrs

Mere minutes after play resumes, Krum and Silva are rocketing suddenly upwards – five thousand Omnioculars follow the pair into the dazzling Argentinian sun –

Rita Skeeter

02.39 hrs

Dumbledore’s Army seem agitated and tense. Has one of them grievously offended the others? Have bitter wounds been reopened here, in front of thousands of people, where everybody hoped merely to enjoy a unique sporting occasion? Ought Dumbledore’s Army draw such flagrant attention to themselves when – apparently – something exciting is happening on the pitch? Or are they using this as a cover to air old grievances?

Ginny Potter

02.40 hrs

Krum and Silva are in a breakneck dash for the Snitch, which Silva sighted first – he is four feet ahead of Krum as both rise almost vertically –

Rita Skeeter

02.41 hrs

Everyone is on their feet, including the denizens of the VIP boxes – Harry Potter is shouting – if my lip-reading is accurate, Ronald Weasley is swearing –

Ginny Potter

02.42 hrs

Krum is gaining on Silva but will it be enough…?

Rita Skeeter

02.43 hrs

Teddy Lupin has accidentally punched his girlfriend on the nose as he gesticulates – are we about to witness a breakup, live at the Quidditch World Cup?

Ginny Potter

02.43 hrs

Krum and Silva neck and neck –

Rita Skeeter

02.44 hrs

Teddy Lupin and Victoire Weasley snuggled up together again – don’t they care about Quidditch at all? Should they be taking up valuable space in this stadium, when all eyes ought to be glued on the pitch? When so many poor witches or wizards would simply love to be here?

Ginny Potter

02.45 hrs

KRUM’S GOT THE SNITCH! BULGARIA HAVE WON!

Rita Skeeter

02.45 hrs

I can’t see the VIP boxes – everyone is jumping up and down –

Ginny Potter

The crowds are going crazy – after two and three-quarter hours in the blazing Argentinian sun, Bulgaria has won the Quidditch World Cup and Krum has achieved his life’s ambition on the third attempt – it looks like he might fall off his broom – tears are streaming down his face – a hugely popular win here in the Patagonian Desert – but hearty commiserations to Brazil - they led almost all the way, and in the end, it was Krum the Seeker who defeated them. A stunning display of sportsmanship here, as Silva and Krum embrace –

Rita Skeeter

Ah, that’s better – people are calming down, I can now see the VIP boxes – well, Dumbledore’s Army seems to approve of the victory, Harry Potter in particular seems emotional – with a determined grin on his face, Ronald Weasley conceals his inevitable annoyance that his wife’s ex-love is being feted by the Quidditch world – young Albus is applauding, doubtless at the prompting of his publicity hungry father – my colleague, Ginny Potter, is approaching me, no doubt with another tedious correc

Ginny Potter

Rita Skeeter has been taken unaccountably ill with what some are calling a jinx to the solar plexus. As celebrations continue here in the Patagonian Desert, we at the Daily Prophet sincerely hope that you have enjoyed our World Cup coverage from Argentina. Next week, the National Gobstones League comes to Birmingham! But in all honesty… don’t bother.

[x]

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22 7 / 2014

  • 1: Hi, do you want pizza?
  • 2: No. I'm being healthy. I'm not eating pizza because...
  • 3: Okay.
  • 2: It looks so good, but the calories--
  • 3: Okay.
  • 2: ...and the fat--
  • 3: Okay.
  • 2: Here's a long explanation of my diet...
  • 3:
  • 2: But I wish I could cheat LOL!
  • 3:
  • 2: That stuff is so bad for you, you know? But you have fun!
  • 4:
  • 2: It's the gluten, you know? I don't know what that is, but it's soooooo baaaaaad.
  • 5:
  • 2: I cheated and ate an M&M yesterday! I spent an hour at the gym to make up for it but so worth it LOL.
  • 6:
  • 2: Have you tried using cauliflower instead of bread to make a pizza?
  • 7:
  • 2: It tastes exactly the same, and it's sooooo much healthier.
  • 8:
  • 2: I'm gonna go drink my soy smoothie now.
  • 2: It's a small size.
  • 2: Gotta watch my thighs!
  • 9:
  • 2: BUT YOU ENJOY THAT PIZZA, FRIEND.

22 7 / 2014

merveiyeux:

@midnight || #TVShowSequels

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